And just like that, I’m writing again. Is that how it works? Just like that. It does seem like I usually come off my writing hiatus with an essay about how I haven’t been writing and how I need to write more. I make myself promises that I will diligently write something everyday. But then, of course I don’t. So I’ll skip the self-flagellating post about my habit of procrastination and just write about the stuff currently in my head. So the first several posts on this blog may be a bit scattered. The stuttering of an old engine firing up again. Bear with me, though. I occasionally come across good ideas and even some wisdom and poetry when I write.
I’m starting the new year off in a state of melancholy. Turmoil in my family and between friends at the end of 2016 has dragged itself into the new year. It plagues me at night and dampens my spirit during the day. I may also be feeling a bit of the postpartum hormone swings. Giving birth seems to continue to wreak havoc on me. Don’t get me wrong though, it was a beautiful birth. In fact, I want to do it again. Soon. But I just didn’t realize how thoroughly it changes the body. And that’s apart from the way you naturally change mentally when you have to care for another human life. I’m speaking just physiologically. I was unprepared for that change. But I’m coping. I’m lucky enough to have a very loving husband and a wonderful mother that visits often. And we have a nanny that helps me during the day while I work. By all accounts, I should not be melancholy. But I am. And I’m allowing myself to feel that way for now. I’m coming off all the sugar from the holidays about which, honestly, I have no regrets. Eating extra desserts is part of the joy of the holidays, right? But I know that sugar affects my mood, and not really in a good way. So there’s that.
The start of the new year so far is…slow. Quiet. Introverted. I suppose there are worse things it could be. A few days of introspection and solemn thought never hurt anyone. I hope it signals the beginning of a year of change. That’s not to say that last year there weren’t changes. Having a baby is a big change, but it’s on the course of expected changes, if you will. It’s not a really a change in the course or my life. This year I’d like my ship to change course. I recognize that change may come a day at a time. So maybe writing, when I do write, will help prepare me. Maybe I can filter through my emotions; write some good stuff, write some crap, but just write my way through this year and then see what happens. Just write. And then change.
*photo by Treat Photography